FAQ’s for the workplace Gossip from someone who’d just as soon kick your ass…

1. If I talk enough shit about my co-workers, do you think they’ll figure out what a miserable waste of skin I really am? Yes. Yes they will.

2. If I qualify all the miserable shit about any and everyone that falls out of my mouth oh so very often with “I’m just kidding! You ought to know me well enough…” or some variation thereof, do you think my co-workers will believe me? Not a fuckin’ chance.

3. If I stab enough people in the back, do you think that eventually someone might stab me in the heart? It could happen.

4. If I’m a generally miserable person to others, do you think my co-workers might get some secret delight when another turns my own brand of misery on me? Absolutely. People love sweet irony.

5. When deciding between the two, should I open my mouth and say something negative or take a shit? No contest. Take the shit.

6. Is there any way I can reverse this horrible process? Yup. Shut your damn yap before you say anything mean at all. Think before you talk. Show your co-workers some basic respect.

And finally, for you men especially, banish all references to female genitalia from your vocabulary. It’s totally disrespectful, and who knows? You might enrage someone to the point of him or her ripping your own little dick right off! Are we clear? Good.