January 1995

"Oh I’m, never gonna be the same again…I’ve seen the way it’s got to end…sweet dream; sweet dream…"
-Electric Light Orchestra, "Strange Magic."

As bad as the last sixteen months have been, the worst, I feel, is over. Conflicts are becoming scarce, resolutions easier to find. I’m working the front desk at the Casa Marina now, a so called "luxury resort" on the island, and the daily routine is comforting and stabilizing, and I can write sometimes. I haven’t completed a logical sequence of thoughts on paper in awhile, and I might not finish this entry, but that’s all right. It’s coming. Slowly, but it’s coming.

The emptiness of Key West is becoming more apparent. During the last year or so, the swirl of shitty situations and circumstances seemed to be a trial by fire to what end I’m still not sure. Many conflicts happening all at once. I think I was crazy for a little bit, and considered going home. But all of that has ended. Not much to worry about these days. Nosir. Instead, it’s been replaced by something a bit more…numb.

It’s kindofa faint, windy, whistly, ringing in my ears. A mild discontent with a point of origin undefined in my bones. It grows daily and situational-ly. I feel all jumbled up while appearing well adjusted. When my mind wanders, it veers into a barren plain that represents my options here. Not necessarily an ugly place, in fact, very striking in its uniqueness. A dry, empty, panoramic expanse radiating nothing but the dull glow of the status quo: terrifyingly, punishing-ly…beautiful.

My mind’s fish-eye lens sees the sun beating down on this hulking, desolate land mass representing the veldt of my future here in Key West, the wind whipping down on the dead grass, dust swirling in the air around me. Wherever I turn, the same. But I have a stable paycheck and a stable boyfriend. So everything is ok.

Sure it is.