December in 1994, approx. 6:45 in the evening

"I know what you’re doin’, yeah…"
-Dionne Farris, "I Know"

Just another 10 minutes or so… Then he will be here, and at least I’ll know where he is for the time being…shhhh!

Sitting on the back deck, sitting staring at the leaves and branches and flowers, touched by intermittent gusts of wind, wondering. I must not be giving him what he needs, so he goes elsewhere. All the time—he’s never home now. I’m failing. He’s failing me and I’m the one failing. And falling.

Shhh! You’re fine. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is wrong. Nothing.

It’s a beautiful early winter’s day as I wait. 75, 76 degrees, close to that outside. Sitting there, staring, failing, falling, in denial, waiting for him.
He thinks I’m unaware. I don’t know what else he thinks. He is very hidden. But I know what I know. And I know something’s wrong. I know he still cheats—I know it. He keeps it well hidden from the self he shows me, and he tries with me; but I know.

He’s coming up the steps. Shh!! Put on your face. Everything is fine. Accept nothing. Deny it all. Hang on. Keep trying. Now smile; the doorknob is turning.

You still want him, don’t you? You know he’ll change, don’t you?