Flying and falling and falling. March 31, 1995

"You can force it but it will not come. You can taste it but it will not form. You can crush it but it’s always there. You can crush it but it’s always near, chasing you home, saying everything is broken…everyone is broken…"
-Radiohead, "Planet Telex."

Holy shit, I’ll be back in Missouri today. Soon. To stay. I haven’t even touched down from the last leg of my Key West to Miami, Miami to Dallas, Dallas to Springfield flight yet, but I’m pretty sure this was a mistake.

The last straw of life in Key West came, not surprisingly, by my own hand, reacting once again to some perceived or real injustice at the hands of who I called my boyfriend, but, by the end, the guy who said I was his roommate. One week has passed and events happened so quickly that I’m still not sure of the exact moment when everything died. I’m sure it’s better that way, anyway. He said something, I figured something out, and after he left for work, the dam burst. I remember thinking I would die if I stayed, my heart flopping around in despair within the confines of my chest.

So…I chose the most logical course of action I could think of at the time: Plan to leave. Quickly. I called UPS for boxes and shipping information, the travel agency for tickets, and Mom and Dad for money to get home ("Honey, can you stop crying? I can’t understand you…"). I wish I could remember more, but that’s what happens when you’re a huge pothead with a serious denial trip. Maybe someday, it’ll all come back.

I can feel myself getting all crazy-eyed here on the plane. I have to go to my friend Angie's wedding tomorrow. How’s that for timing? Mom and Dad are supposed to pick me up at the airport. I hope they don’t bring my sister. I can’t deal with her and our growing distance and all the implications of my own bullshit and how it’ll effect my parents right now. I’m starting to get mad at things that only happened in my head and some things that happened months ago. This plane ride will never end, will it? My mind is working really fast and I feel like I’m gonna cry when I see my parents. What have I done to myself? I can already sense their worry. Why am I so fucking weak? ___ ____ ___ ____ ____…please help me. But he’s not here.

I’m gonna fall out of the sky and land back in the same pit I left, only this time it’ll be worse. Jesus, I’ve got to straighten up. Got to go to the wedding. Must be able to converse with my friends without losing it. Got to find a job. Must live with my parents. I have to get some money. I have to face the same old ghosts.

Oh man; I have got to get some pot.